The Beginner’s Guide to Effective, Unproductive Writing Procrastination

Here I offer you The Beginner’s Guide to Effective, Unproductive Writing Procrastination, or, How to Waste Your Writing Time.

Conditions necessary to be successful:

• You luck out with a significant chunk of time to write. You’re pleased because it rarely happens and now you can hack away at a good portion of your story.
• You are convinced you’ll now have this novel completed in no time.
• You are alone and/or with people so considerate they will not interrupt you.

Step #1: Start later than you intended. At least 30 minutes, if not a whole hour behind your original schedule.

Step #2: At your computer, before you start writing, check out the latest news online. This is justifiable because you are a better person when you are well-versed in world events. Also, it looks like you’re working if any of those considerate people in your house happen to pass by you.

Step #3: Read over your work from your previous writing session. Some might argue this is working–it’s important to get into the flow–however, there’s only so far back you can read to justify that argument. Reading doesn’t put words on the page, so consider it an effective stall technique.

Step #4: Write a sentence or two. It does seem counter-productive to effectively procrastinating, but I assure you, you’ll feel much more accomplished in wasting your time if you actually start. Otherwise, you might justify it in your head that you’re really using your time for something else and not writing, in which case, you’re not effectively procrastinating–you’re quitting.

Step #5: Make yourself some coffee.

Step #6: Write another sentence. Three, if you feel inspired.

Step #7: You remember a question that’s lingered in your head for days but you always forget to search up the answer, so now’s your chance to Google it. (example: Is is bad to crack your knuckles?)

Step #8: Make yourself some tea. You can’t have another cup of coffee–that’s too obvious of a procrastination technique. Remember, effective procrastination means looking for subtly you can justify.

Step #9: Write a whole page. Here, you’re into it! Of course, you told yourself by this point in your writing block you’d have six pages done, but well, you’re only half way through, so you can catch up. You’re convinced you’ll be inspired and soon your fingers will fly across the keyboard.

Step #10: Repeat Steps #2-9 for the second half of your writing block.

BONUS Step: Start a blog.

Congratulations! You’ve effectively wasted precious and unrecoverable time you should have been writing. Let the guilt begin…