They’re Just Like You and Me

When I was eight, I met Princess Diana. I was thrilled when she stopped to talk to me and my friend. Warm, gracious, she asked our names. I told her mine, then my friend spoke. “Diane.” They bonded over the similarity of their names. Here was the most famous woman on the planet, chatting with two kids about their names—like she was truly interested!

Like she was just a person. 

I love the novel The Book of Negroes and was thrilled to arrange a school visit with its author, Lawrence Hill. He had to cancel, but emailed me personally to apologize, warm and gracious. “Call me Larry,” he wrote. Larry! I’m on a first-name basis with this extraordinary author! Like he was truly interested.

Like he was just a person. 

I met Karen Connelly, whose exquisite writing I can only aspire to, at at a book signing. I explained I taught passages of her work to my classes. Warm and gracious, she asked me more. Like she was truly interested!

Like she was just a person. 

As writers, we often feel our own work can’t (yet) measure up to our heroes. We’re enthralled by them and their stories—we can’t compete!

But they’re also just people. So they may be further along on their writing journey but that’s okay. It doesn’t negate your path or your writing. 

Admire your favourite authors or celebrities, absolutely! But I’m now going to assume they’re just like you and me. Warm, gracious, and interested. 

There’s No Such Thing

Who is the best writer? What is the best book? Since childhood, I thought I could strive to be the answer to both—I’mthe best writer and my book would be the best. I’d learn to write so well, I’d win the most prestigious awards; everyone would love my work. 

This was my dream not because I wanted attention but because I wanted to share my stories. I was brimming with ideas and a talent to nurture. Writing would be my contribution to the world. 

You see where this is going, right? How impossible this dream was? Because who can define “best”? Best literary novels as indicated by those prestigious awards? Bestsellers as indicated by sales? Best fantasy writer? Best science fiction writer? Best romance writer? And best according to whose tastes? Mine? Yours? 

If you’re the fastest across the finish line in a race, then perhaps you could be considered the best. But in art where judgement is so subjective? Impossible. 

There is such a thing as bad writing. Bad stories. Bad books. There is also good writing and great stories and amazing books. But the “best”? Impossible. 

So I revised my dream. It’s not about being the “objective” best. It’s about being the best writer I can be. I have a lot to learn. I’m not there yet.  Maybe I never will be. Perhaps that goal is as elusive as the first. 

But this new way? It’s a lot more freeing and a lot more fun. 🙂

…Run Toward the Path YOU Want

I took up running a million years ago because it was a convenient, cheap way to stay in shape. I had no intention of running races. But was I really a runner if I didn’t run a race? 

So I signed up for a fundraising run. Not a race, but still a start and finish and multitudes of people. Since it was a fundraiser, people on bikes and rollerblades also participated. It was a chaotic, overwhelming, exciting scene. But this is what it takes to call myself a runner, right?

And then I got run over by a bike. Knocked down from behind, a bruise the size of a CD (remember those?) swelling on my calf. I hobbled the rest of the way because damnit, I was going to finish! I did. 

And I’ve never run another race. 

Instead I run in my neighbourhood, just for me. No participation certificates or medals or anything else to prove I’m a runner. 

My friend runs marathons for fun (crazy, I know!) She’s run the prestigious Boston Marathon multiple times, and I’m so impressed by her! 

That’s not my path. But since I run, I call myself a runner.

Since you write, you are a writer. Whether you have something published or not, something finished or not. You may, like my friend, strive for big events, or you may not. It’s better to enjoy whatever path you choose than to, well, emerge from a path you think you should take, battered and bruised. 🙂

…Not Pressure

You’ve heard this advice: to write well you have to read. A lot. And widely. In different genres. 

Uh, how, exactly do I find time to read? When I have my day job, family responsibilities, and, oh, trying to find time to write? 

I love to read. But I’ve always resented this piece of advice. I don’t disagree—I’m not about to become a mechanic without looking at a car—nor is the pat answer of “make time” sufficient. Of course I’d love to make time! It’s just not always practical. 

And, just reading is not actually enough. I watch a movies. A lot. And widely. In different genres. I do not know how to make a movie. Or TV show, for that matter. Because what I believe writers mean when they offer this advice is to studythe books you read. Be conscious of characterization, figurative language, structure. 

Also not bad advice. But to me that’s also like pulling apart a cookie and trying to figure out its ingredients. Not impossible, but not entirely helpful. 

Instead, I suggest you read, absolutely. When you can. Without guilt. Enjoy your books! However many or few you can read. Maybe choose one to study, break down, learn about. 

I believe we all need to study our craft. Learn how to improve. Practice. Write. Get feedback. Reading is one important component. It’s not the only one. Because the last thing we want to do about reading is replace pleasure with pressure. 

Let Them Spur You On!

It’s hard to keep the faith in the face of rejection. In the face of time crunches. In the face of a million and one other writing challenges (I’m supposed to know what happens in my own story??)

A trick I’ve learned: think about the best compliment you’ve been given on your writing. Maybe it came from a family member, a friend, a book coach, an agent, an editor. 

Mine came from one of my university professors. 

When she accused me of plagiarism.

I was working on my Master’s degree, taking a course in Cultural Studies. I was presenting on the cultural influence of cyberpunk novels, a subgenre of science fiction. When I sat down, my professor glared at me. My heart beat faster. What had I done wrong? 

“I’m concerned you chose not to attribute your sources,” she said. 

I was utterly confused. I had done that. “I don’t… understand,” I stuttered.

“The descriptive passage you read? Whose novel did you take that from?”

 “Uh,” I said hesitantly. “I wrote that.”

She blinked in surprise. “Really?”

I nodded, still scared I was in trouble. 

“Wow,” she said. “That’s publishable quality.”

A professor, who was not involved in my creative writing endeavors, mistook my writing for something already published. 

Never would I have thought that being accused of cheating would have been such a high compliment. 

But it’s one that still spurs me on. 

What’s one writing compliment that can help you keep going?

The Possibilities of Writing

You know what’s impossible? To learn everything there is about writing.

You know what’s possible? To keep learning about writing. 

You know what’s impossible? That award-winning bestselling authors know everything about writing. 

You know what’s possible? For you to know writing.

When we first start writing, we know we have a lot to learn. I read so many books on the art and craft of writing, took courses, enrolled in writing programs, hired a book coach and soaked up as much as I could about how to write well. 

But there was always more, more, more to learn. I started to feel demoralized by it. So many amazing writers seemed to have cracked this writing nut, how come I couldn’t? I started doubting myself. Who am I to offer advice or suggestions or feedback to writers? (Kind of a problem, when, as a book coach that’s, uh, exactly my job…)

That’s when I realized I do know a little something about writing. I have experience. I have my experience. Because that’s the most valuable lesson I’ve learned: everyone has their own writing process. I’ll tell you what works for me and why. Listen and learn from others about what works for them. Then find your own path. Then share your own path, because your experience is as valuable as mine, no matter where you are on your writing journey. 

It’s Not What You Think

For Mother’s Day one year, my teen daughters gave me a wine glass, etched with the phrase “Best. Mom. Ever.”

It’s true. 

Immodest of me to say, right? When there are literally billions of moms and stepmoms and other mother-figures out there? 

But it’s the truth for my two kids. I may not be the best mom every single minute and they themselves may dispute that from time to time. But I’m trying my best and they know it. 

So I earn the title not in competition with all those other moms out there, but because of what I do for the two girls who need me to be their mom. 

I don’t have a wine glass that says “Best. Writer. Ever.” But maybe I should get one. Because that’s what I work toward every day. To be the best writer I can be—not to be in competition with all those other writers out there, but because of what I can offer the writing world.

You know the other thing about the wine glass? It doesn’t say “Perfect. Mom. Ever.” Which means I don’t have to be “Perfect. Writer. Ever.” Just like being a mom, I’ll keep learning, and messing up and learning some more.

That’s what you can do, too. Learn and mess up and learn some more and strive to be the best writer you can be. And celebrate along the way!

So to you, Best. Writer. Ever. I raise my glass.

It’s Okay To Want It

Why do we dream of publication?

Validation. 

We believe we’re good writers—we’d love for experts in the business to say you belong with us!

We’re also told that we shouldn’t want that validation. The publishing industry is a business whose metrics include sales and marketing and timing—not just good writing.

Then we feel bad when we do want it, right? Just because we can see the flaws in relying on external validation doesn’t mean we easily believe it. 

What’s also true is that there’s nothing wrong with seeking external validation. Evolutionary biology says so. Back on the savannah we needed acceptance of a tribe to survive. We may not have lions bearing down on us now, but we still feel safe when we know our people have our backs. 

Then how do we bridge the two truths? That publication isn’t the only way to validation and that we still want validation from publication.

By reminding ourselves we are more than just writers. I’m a book coach, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a teacher, a friend. I work just as hard at being a good book coach, mom, wife, daughter, teacher and friend, as I do at being a good writer, which means there are so many other aspects of my life where I can feel validated by others. And that gives me the confidence I need to keep writing. Then when we do get published? We’ll have our cake and eat it, too. 🙂

And That’s Okay!

Ever been on a teeter-totter? A seesaw? One person goes up, one person goes down. How often is the board parallel to the ground? Both people balanced?

Ever try juggling your writing with your job and your family and your responsibilities and well, life? How well did you stay balanced?

My answers: 1. Uh, never. 2. Uh, never.

We seem to have this idea that if we can just balance everything, then life will be perfect. You’ll earn money, raise brilliant, well-adjusted children, devote yourself to your spouse/family/friends, indulge in self-care and write the next bestseller. And then when we can’t? We beat ourselves up over failing at balance.

But balance is hard. Almost impossible. Which means we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves when we can’t find it. 

Instead, we should enjoy the ride. When a kid climbs on the teeter-totter, they know they’ll be in for ups-and-downs—it’s why they got on in the first place! When we dive into writing, we know they’ll be ups and downs—but we never think that’s why we got on in the first place. 

What if we did? What if we remind ourselves that by writing we willingly agree to the ups and downs?

That way when they come? The ups and downs? We’ll say, bring it on. 🙂

Do What’s Right for You!

There’s writing a book.

Then there’s selling a book.

And they are two vastly different undertakings. 

When people say they want to write, it’s because, well, they want to write. Not market a book. 

But that’s the reality of getting your book out into the world. The best advice is to start now, as you’re writing, to learn about the industry because it takes time. 

I didn’t follow the best advice. 

I wanted to. It made sense. 

But I couldn’t. 

I was much too overwhelmed. The last dregs of my energy, after my full-time job, family, and well, life, went into learning how to write well. How could I also learn this whole new skillset?

 So I stopped writing. If I couldn’t figure out the author platform thing and didn’t know how to market my (not-yet-written) book, then why even bother? 

Until I realized that’s all it was: advice. 

Instead, I stripped away all thoughts of publishing and agents and marketing and platform and networking, and I concentrated on writing. I honed my craft. Learned a lot. Got better. 

Then, when I finished my manuscript, I had much more capacity to focus on selling my book. The learning curve was (still is) steeper than writing, but there will always be challenges, right? 

So listen to the experts about selling your book. Learn from them. Then listen to yourself and do what’s best for you. After all, you won’t have much to sell if you don’t have much to write. 🙂